Before I begin, I need to clarify a few things.
Firstly, I've collected tidbits from the internet for almost two decades, since the days when you only surfed it for jokes and recipes for cookies. Twenty years is a long time. I have a lot of early internet information in dozens of files. Some of that information will begin to find its way to this blog. It's my way of preserving history, I suppose.
Secondly, I don't have authors for most of this gathered information. Back in the early days of dial-up and on-line bulletin boards much of what was posted wasn't signed. If it was signed, it was by BillytheGoatWrangler or MySweetBaboo1241. I didn't keep those author names. So I apologize if the pedigree of the information is lost. I'd credit the sources if I knew them.
Thirdly, I am far from an expert on women. I am probably an anti-expert. There's the time I got my wife a violin for Christmas and thought it was the perfect present. That's another story. I'm not even an expert on people. I hardly know what motivates me, much less others.
Lastly, for today's post I not only found this file on my computer, I actually heard this information used in a presentation by Mark Gungor. He talks about the differences in how men and women think and I wrote a bit about it here. If you missed it, it's good stuff.
So here you go. Once again, men - pay attention.
1. "Fine" This is the word women use at the end of any argument when they feel they are right but can't stand to hear you argue any longer. It means that you should shut up. The discussion is over. Flowers are probably appropriate.
2. "Five minutes" This is half an hour, minimum. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so women feel it's an even trade. Go to your happy place while you wait; it will be a while.
3. "Nothing" This means something and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with the word "Fine." You're well past flowers at this point. Think jewelry, small and sparkly.
4. "Go Ahead" (with raised eyebrows) This is NOT permission; it's a dare! If you mistake it for permission, the result will be the woman will get upset over "Nothing" and you'll have a "five-minute" discussion that will end with the word "Fine." Are you seeing a pattern here? Women link everything together in their minds.
5. "Go Ahead" (normal eyebrows) This is NOT permission, either. It means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care." You will get a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off. Essentially, you're being an idiot but you don't know it yet.
6. "Loud Sigh" This is not actually a word, but you better pay attention to it. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are a complete idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing."
7. "Soft Sigh" Again, not a word, but a verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" are one of the few things that some men actually understand. It means she is momentarily content. Your best bet is to not move and hope the moment will last a bit longer. Enjoy the moment.
8. "Oh" This word -- followed by any statement -- is trouble. Example; "Oh, let me get that". Or, "Oh, I talked to him about what you were doing last night." If she says "Oh" before a statement, run, do not walk, to the nearest exit. She will tell you that she is "Fine" when she is done tossing your clothes out the window, but do not expect her to talk to you for at least "five minutes."
9. "That's Okay" This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can say to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding what the penalty will be for whatever you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead." Once she has had time to plan it out, you are in for some mighty big trouble.
10. "Please Do" This is not a statement, it is an offer. The woman is giving you the chance to come up with an excuse for what you have done or the opportunity to get into even more trouble. If you handle this correctly, you shouldn't get a "That's Okay."
11. "Thanks" The woman is thanking you. Don't faint and don't look for hidden meaning. Just say "you're welcome." Hope for a "soft sigh."
12. "Thanks A Lot" This is dramatically different from "Thanks." A woman will say "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It is usually followed by the "Loud Sigh." This signifies that you have hurt her in some callous way. Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you "Nothing." If small gifts are her love language, consider a car at this point.