Saturday, February 2, 2013

Comparing Men and Women

MARRIAGE: A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting she won't change and she does.

NICKNAMES: When Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose. If Mike, Charlie, Bob and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.

EATING OUT: When the bill arrives, each guy will throw in a twenty dollar bill, even though the total is only $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their bill, they will pull out calculators and compute who owes what, including an exact fifteen percent tip.

MONEY: A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item she doesn't want.

FINDING THINGS: A man will not be able to find the $2 item he bought a week ago. A woman will be able to tell where in the two-story house the $1 item she bought five years ago is. She also knows where the $2 item is that the man wants and is baffled that he doesn't remember putting it on the kitchen counter, in plain sight.

DIRT: A man is genetically incapable of seeing dirt unless it is in a pile or outside in the driveway. A woman will see dirt left behind by the footprints of stocking feet. A woman's ability to discover dirt is magnified when someone is coming to visit.

PHONE CALLS: A man considers ten seconds on the phone a conversation. A woman considers ten seconds on the phone the bare minimum to say hello.

CATS: Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats. Cats respond in kind.

HEARING: A man can hear a mouse scamper in the walls at the opposite side of the house, but cannot hear a woman speaking to him from across the table. A woman can hear her cat meow in the middle of the driving rain during hurricane winds. She will send the man to rescue the cat.

BATHROOMS: A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items and would be terrified if he actually knew what some of them did.

ARGUMENTS: A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE: A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS: A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

DRESSING UP: A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail. She will spend hours choosing the correct outfit for each. A man will dress up for weddings and funerals. Someone should pick his clothes for each of these occasions, since he still thinks jeans and a sport jacket is pretty fancy.

SLEEP: Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed which, admittedly, isn't all that good. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING: Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

1 comment:

  1. A successful man is one who is recognized, and indeed, defined, as one who looks out for his own, in thick and thin, and does not release himself from his role as patriarch until his successor is ready.

    I am lucky to know such men.