Get Behind Me
He started his sermon with some immutable laws of the universe. I didn't write them down, but the internet is a pretty handy resource. (What did we do before the internet? I think we talked more…)
So I think this is the list or close to it.
Law of Mechanical Repair - When your hands are coated with grease, your nose will itch.
Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
Law of Probability -The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act
Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.
Law of the Alibi - If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.
Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).
Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.
Law of Close Encounters -The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
The Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.
Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.
Brown's Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly.
Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.
Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better. But don't make an appointment, and you'll stay sick.
A pastor goes to visit an older lady from his congregation, but he's been busy, so he missed lunch. While she's getting the coffee he notices a bowl of nuts on the coffee table and he likes nuts, so he grabs a handful and chomps them down. The lady brings in the coffee and realizes she forgot the sugar, so goes back to the kitchen. The pastor grabs another handful of nuts and chomps them down. The lady comes back and realizes she forgot the milk, so goes back to the kitchen and the pastor finishes the bowl of nuts. As they drink the coffee and talk, he starts to feel a little guilty. Finally he says, "I'm sorry, sister, but I was hungry and ate your entire bowl of peanuts." She smiles and says, "That's all right, dear. At my age I can't even eat the peanuts. I just suck the chocolate off them and put them back in the bowl."
We are always surrounded by temptation and the consequences may not be obvious, but there is always a price for yielding to temptation.
I'll go through the rest of the sermon in the next post, but will add my final thought on temptation with another joke:
Struggling to make ends meet on a first-call salary, the pastor was livid when he confronted his wife with the receipt for a $250 dress she had bought. "How could you do this?!"
"I was outside the store looking at the dress in the window, and then I found myself trying it on," she explained. "It was like Satan was whispering in my ear, 'You look fabulous in that dress. Buy it!'"
"Well," the pastor replied, "You know how I deal with that kind of temptation. I say, 'Get behind me, Satan!'"
"I did," replied his wife,"but then he said, 'It looks fabulous from back here, too!'"
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