Chili Cook-off

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, so I accepted.

Here are the scorecards from the event:

v     Chili #1 – Cecil’s Maniac Mobster Monster Chili

Ø      Judge # 1 – A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

Ø      Judge # 2 – Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

Ø      Judge # 3 (Frank) – Wow, what is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me about a half gallon of water to put the flames out. I hope that’s the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

v     Chili #2 – Dave’s Afterburner Chili

Ø      Judge # 1 – Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang to it.

Ø      Judge # 2 – Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

Ø      Judge # 3 – Keep this out of the reach of children. I’m not sure what I’m supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver.

v     Chili #3 – George’s Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili

Ø      Judge # 1 – Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.

Ø      Judge # 2 – A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.

Ø      Judge # 3 – Call the EPA – I’ve located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I’ve been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me a water hose before I ignite. One of the other judges had to pound me on the back so now my backbone is in the front part of my chest.

v     Chili #4 – Ricky’s Black Magic

Ø      Judge # 1 – Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

Ø      Judge # 2 – Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

Ø      Judge # 3 – I felt something scrape across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? This is like eating nuclear waste!

v     Chili #5 – Ray’s Legal Lip Remover

Ø      Judge # 1 – Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground added considerable kick. Very impressive.

Ø      Judge # 2 – Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit, the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

Ø      Judge # 3 – My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I passed gas and 4 people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told him that his chili had given me brain damage. I wonder if I’m burning my lips off. It’s really not fair that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Those rednecks don’t realize…

v     Chili #6 – Larry’s Very Vegetarian Variety

Ø      Judge # 1 – Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.

Ø      Judge # 2 – The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions and garlic. Superb!

Ø      Judge # 3 – My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I can’t feel my lips and most of my face. I would cry but tears would probably leave blisters on my cheeks.

v     Chili #7 – Kurt’s Screaming Sensation Chili

Ø      Judge # 1 – A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

Ø      Judge # 2 – Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am concerned about judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as is slobbering uncontrollably.

Ø      Judge # 3 – You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn’t feel a thing. I’ve lost total sight in one eye and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. At least during the autopsy, they’ll know what killed me. I’ve decided to stop breathing, it’s too painful. Oh well forget it, I’m not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I’ll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

v     Chili #8 – Todd’s Toe-Nail Curling Chili

Ø      Judge # 1 – The perfect ending. This is a nice blend chili. Not too bold, but spicy enough to declare its existence.

Ø      Judge # 2 – This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild, nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he’s going to make it. Poor dude…wonder how he’d have reacted to really hot chili!

A final note, from me - this could be a true story. What poor Judge # 3 doesn't realize is how much all this "hot" will hurt him tomorrow. First time I encountered this problem I stayed home from work convinced I had some sort of terminal disease.