Thoughts on Marriage

We are born selfish. God knows this, as do all parents. 

Marriage is not a contract, as society would have you believe. A contract states that one party will do something for the other party, who in turn has certain obligations. A contract is binding as long as both parties do what they said they would do.

A marriage is a covenant. In a covenant relationship each person pledges to do what they are supposed to do.

God entered into a covenant relationship with Abraham, which is fortunate for Abraham and for us.

The covenant God gave certain promises and Abraham answered with promises of his own. Abraham and his descendants (us) break those promises all the time. God, however, remains faithful to His covenant.

Here’s the point. Marriage can NOT be selfish. The Marriage covenant says that you will put the needs of your spouse above your own. That sounds so simple…

… but if you are reading that and have the slightest twinge of “See, I told you so! You are supposed to be meeting my needs!” then you don’t get it.

You meet the needs of the other person. Period. It does not matter if they meet your needs. You are called to uphold your end of the covenant, regardless of their behavior. EVER.

Two selfish people will destroy a marriage. One selfish person will destroy a marriage. If there are children in the marriage the damage ripples outward for generations. There is a type of damnation to that. A destroyed marriage leaves a scar in the hearts of each person that never heals. Children never really recover.

Now you can jump and say “Well, I can finally be myself once we are married. This person will make me happy and life will be good.”

You will fail.

Consider this, and mark it well. It is never someone else’s job to make you happy. NEVER.

Another person cannot make you happy. How can I say that? A nice dinner, sweet words, candy – these things from one spouse to another cause happiness, right? No. You choose to be happy. That dinner while you are dating will make you feel warm and fuzzy inside and make you happy. That same dinner, in a setting where you are dreaming of the sweet words of someone else, the soft eyes and attention from someone else – that same dinner will not cause happiness.

Stop and think about that. When you appreciate whatever the other person is doing (or not doing) then you are in a different mental place than if you dwell on resentment (which is a reflection of selfishness).

We all choose to be happy. Some people have a harder time of that than others. That’s natural. You must train your mind to think the thoughts that promote happiness. These thoughts, I promise you, are not rooted in selfishness, but in giving.

Most people associate the following with money and tithing:

Luke 6:38 (KJV) Give, and it shall be given unto you; good measure, pressed down, and shaken together, and running over, shall men give into your bosom. For with the same measure that ye mete withal it shall be measured to you again.

I will testify that it is true in tithing, though what is given unto us is not always monetary. However, this is a principal that applies in all Life, especially in marriage.

You are commanded to “Give.” It isn’t a request.

Giving does come with a promise and God always keeps His promises.

Do what you are supposed to do in a covenant. Put your spouse first in all that you do. Do not quit doing that even if they are not doing what they are supposed to do. Take that to the Lord, trust Him to resolve it.

Learn the Love Language that you each speak and speak it back to each other.  You can love someone with all you have, but if you are not speaking the same language then you will both be frustrated.

A final word.

You will be disappointed.

At some point in your lives together you will be angry (and selfish) and decide it is not worth it.

There are other people who would be willing to love you more, love you better. What you have is not as good as what you can get.

Satan has one trick, and that’s it. But he is good at it and knows exactly how to apply it to each person so it has maximum effect. It is a lie from the Father of Lies.

When this happens you can start to bemoan how poorly you are treated, looking at what you do not have. You can go to your friends, who will tell you how right you are, and how much better you would be if…

Hear this.

You will always not have what you do not have.

Dwelling on what is lacking in your life is a guarantee of dissatisfaction and a reflection of inner selfishness. Get over it. Dwell on the things that are true, that are honest, that are just, that are pure, that are lovely, that are of good report. Dwell on the things that bring you happiness.

This doesn’t mean to just let your spouse treat you poorly. There is never an excuse for bad behavior between loved ones. Bad behavior happens. Bad behavior can be forgiven. But bad behavior is not justifiable. We are also called to hold each other to a higher standard in our walk with God. Who better than our own spouse to gently and with humility show us where we fail God? And, God as our witness, we had best listen.

To God first, in all that we do, and may this bring Glory to Him in some small measure.